A large duck (burger_eater) wrote,
A large duck
burger_eater

X-Files: I Want Two Hours of My Life Back (Shorter Version, but still long)

EXT. CANADA, WINTER - DAY

BILLY CONNOLLY, playing a psychic, leads the FBI on a search through the snow.

LEGEND: West Virginia

Burger Eater: Still, Chris Carter? Canada still?

INTERCUT

EXT. CANADA, WINTER - NIGHT

A WOMAN is menaced by two men outside her house. She fights back, injured one man's arm, runs away, is chased.

EXT. CANADA - NIGHT

Psychic tells the agents to dig here! here! They find the arm of the injured man in the snow.

Burger Eater: Editing! Also, this better not be a psychic-story.

INT. DINGY HOSPITAL

Dana Scully walks up to a Tragically Ill Kid.

Scully: Hi. I'm totally a doctor now. No more crime-fighting for me.

TIK: Hi. I'm your only patient, apparently.

Scully: Too bad I can't cure you. But let's talk about your symptoms here in this nice private hallway.

Surly FBI Agent: Dr. Scully? Can I have Fox Mulder's phone number?

Scully: No.

Surly: Pretty please, with sugar on top?

Scully: No.

Surly: Would you give him my number? Please?

Scully: Well....

INT. MESSY HOUSE - DAY

There are newspapers clippings all over the walls. Scully enters with her coat still on. MULDER, bearded and grody, crouches at his computer.

Mulder: Dance, meat puppets, dance!

Scully: Mulder, I have a message for you--

Mulder: Scully, you should see it! Cory Doctorow wrote a post about copy right, and I--

Scully: Mulder, the FBI wants your help.

Mulder: Did you forget about that thing they did after the show ended where they filed bogus charges against me, just like they did every season we were on TV? Forget it!

Scully: Mulder, you can't just sit here trolling the comments section at boingboing all day.

Mulder: Well, when you put it that way....

EXT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

A helicopter drops Mulder and Scully off.

Mulder: Wow, a helicopter! Is that in the budget?

Chris Carter: That IS the budget!

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS

Surly Agent is surly. HOT FEMALE AGENT bats her eyelashes at Mulder.

Hot Agent: Hi, I'm the agent in charge. Mulder, I'm a fan.

Scully: OMG, so doomed.

Mulder: Scully, let's not be hasty here. Why is she doomed?

Hot: Um, excuse me--

Scully: A beautiful young woman on the X-Files? Who's giving cues that she's a romantic rival to one of the leads? Doomed.

Mulder: But what about Surly over there? He's black?

Hot: Excuse me--

Scully: Yeah, but he hates us. If he was friendly, he might, might be worth a little pathos.

Hot: Actually, I think that my partner and I are the new Mulder and Scully.

Mulder: This again.

Hot: See, I want to believe, but he's totally skeptical.

Scully: (to Surly) Do you have some sort of technical or scientific background?

Surly: No, but I can roll my eyes really well.

Mulder: Whatever. What's the case?

Hot: We have a missing FBI agent and our only lead is a psychic--

Surly: Pfft!

Scully: Nice eyeroll. You really have that down.

Hot: -- Who's also a pedophile priest.

Scully: um, wut?

INT. PEDOPHILE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Psychic and his roommate live in a nasty little apartment. Mulder, Scully and the FBI enter.

Burger Eater: Are they ever going to set a scene that's somewhere nice?

Psychic: Hi, everyone.

Scully: Gah! You disgust me! I hate you and everything you stand for!

Mulder: Let's all go for a ride!

EXT. CRIME SCENE - NIGHT

Everyone wanders around the house and the woods, waiting for psychic to claim to have a vision.

Burger Eater: Crap. This is totally a psychic plot.

Psychic: Dig over there!

Agents dig up a car. It's frozen solid and filled with amputated human limbs.

Mulder: A clue!

Psychic: (to Scully) Don't. Give. Up.

Scully: On what?

Psychic: This movie. I think it picks up the pace after the first hour.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Scully visits TIK in his hospital bed.

TIK: Can I go home now?

Scully: What's wrong? Don't you want to fester in this hospital bed?

TIK: I don't like the way that man is looking at me.

He points at a priest standing in the hallway.

INT. HALLWAY

Priest examines TIK's medical record, which true to form for the U.S. is a fat manilla folder stuffed with crinkly paper.

Priest: I've been looking over the patient's medical file--

Scully: Hello, HIPAA laws.

Priest: --and although I'm just a hospital administrator, I've decided to over rule you, the boy's doctor, and move him into a hospice.

Scully: And you're the nice priest in this movie.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Mulder and Scully pillow talk about missing agents, sick kids and the general squickiness of the world.

Burger Eater: Wait. They're still romantically involved? Where did that come from? Wait, wait. Does she live with him? So, in that first scene when she walked into his house and didn't take off her coat or drop her keys in a little dish by the door, she was walking into her own home?

Mulder: You know, when our son William died--

Audiences Everywhere: What?! They had and lost a kid, and you tell us that in a throwaway line?

Chris Carter: Sorry! Writing is hard!

EXT. SNOW BOUND ROAD - DAY

Evil Killer uses his truck with the snow plow attached to run a woman off the road.

Burger Eater: Isn't that the actor that alg thought was so sexy?

Killer begins beating up woman.

INT. HOSPITAL MEETING - DAY

Scully enters a meeting late. Priest tells her, in front of the whole medical and administrative staff, that while she was eating a big breakfast, they all decided to give up on her only patient.

Scully: Forget it! I'm his primary care doctor, and I know of a radical, dangerous new treatment. I'm not afraid to use this tragically ill kid as a guinea pig. All we have to do is inject stem cells into his brain!

Priest: Hah! Where are you going to find a neurosurgeon willing to perform this experimental operation?

Scully: Hmph! As one of the stars of this movie, I'll be performing this operation myself!

Burger Eater: Um, wut?

INT. SCULLY'S OFFICE - DAY

Scully Googles for stem cell operations without even using quotes, and clicks the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

Burger Eater: Um, wut the wut? Google?

Chris Carter: Sorry! Research is hard!

INT. HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM

Scully mopes in a dingy locker room

Burger Eater: Geez, they're really not going to set any of this film someplace nice, are they?

Mulder: (entering) Boy, isn't detective work great!

Scully: I can't do this any more Mulder. And neither can you.

Mulder: Um, wut?

Scully: We can't let this darkness into our lives again. I'm not that person any more.

Mulder: You're the one who told me I should get involved in this, and you were right!

Scully: The darkness, it's so dark.

Mulder: What, I should go back to being disemvowelled on boingboing? This is what you wanted!

Scully: Darkness.

Mulder: Then why did you ask me--!

Scully: Soooo much darkness. You should move out.

EXT. SNOW BOUND ROAD - DAY

Psychic leads Mulder, Hot, Surly and a dozen extras in FBI parkas to the car that Killer ran off the road

Psychic: Ta-daa!

Mulder: Another clue! Can you psychic anything up for us?

Psychic: (tries) Nope.

Surly: Pfft. Knew it.

Mulder: Hello? He led us here, didn't he?

Hot: Well, I'm at a total loss. What should we do next?

Mulder: Why don't we search the car?

They open the trunk and find a gym bag.

Mulder: A bathing suit. It's frozen solid.

Hot: (Takes it from him so audiences won't see him sniff a dead woman's swimsuit) Chlorine!

Mulder: Where's the nearest public pool?

Burger Eater: Um, Atlanta?

INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY

Scully leads an operating team of about three dozen doctors and nurses. She saws into TIK's skull. Then she sticks a syringe loaded with spiced dark rum into his head and directs the needle while watching a video monitor.

Burger Eater: Hold it steady! Jesus, shouldn't you have practiced this once or twice?

EXT. PEDOPHILE COMPLEX - NIGHT

Mulder, Scully, Hot and Surly stand outside Psychic's apartment building.

Mulder: Obviously, this whole plot is about stealing human organs.

Surly: Obviously. And by randomly questioning hospital staff in the Tri-State area, we've chosen this guy as our prime suspect!

Surly holds up a photo of Evil Killer.

Mulder: And I'm sure there are no suspicious connections between him and Psychic that would explain, in the most tenuous manner, how Psychic knew things about the crimes that--

Surly: (holds up a second photo) See this guy? He's Killer's boss. He's also one of the altar boys that Psychic molested back in the day. Also: Boss and Killer were married in Massachusetts.

Gay Members of the Audience: Did he just say--

Surly: Let's go!

EXT. ORGAN TRANSPLANTING COMPANY - NIGHT

Surly leads a team of investigators into the building to look for evidence. Hot stops Mulder from following.

Mulder: As the lead investigator in this case, shouldn't you be inside?

Hot: As the star of the movie, you seem to need someone good-looking to salve your hurt feelings over Fake Psychic's fake psychicness.

Mulder: You'll never be the new me if you won't even argue for the most ridiculous explanations way past the point of common sen-- Hey look! It's Evil Killer!

Killer runs down the street. Mulder and Hot chase him.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT

Mulder chases Killer, with Hot trailing way behind. Only Hot has a gun. They chase him for a long time. Then Killer pushes Hot down an elevator shaft.

Hot: Oh, shiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Mulder: (watches her fall) Damn. In thirteen years, Scully was right about one thing, and it had to be this.

SPLAT!

EXT. DISMAL CANADIAN WEST VIRGINIA TOWN - DAY

Mulder drives around.

Mulder: If only the Surly was willing to investigate this area, I wouldn't have to do it alone.

Evil Killer rams his car with his snow plow and tips it over a cliff.

Killer: I rolled his car down that steep hill, but I couldn't possibly check to see if he survived. There's a big storm coming. What if I was stuck out here in nothing but a snow plow?

He leaves. Mulder climbs out of his car and staggers around a little.

EXT. SCULLY'S OFFICE - DAY

Scully yells into her cell phone.

Scully: We have to find Mulder! He's missing!

Audience: Why does this seem so familiar?

EXT. SNOW BOUND ROAD - DAY

Killer's snow plow falls off, blocking the road. He gets out and walks.

Mulder comes up behind truck, opens it and takes a hammer-thingie out of the back. The snow is thick and the wind is strong.

Salad Eater: Zip up your coat! Pull up your hood!

EXT. CLIFF SIDE - NIGHT

Scully and a Local Cop winch her car out of the cliff.

Scully: Good thing I have friends at the FBI who could help me, like... AD Skinner!

Skinner steps into frame with the back of his head to the camera.

Chris Carter: Sorry! Blocking is hard!

EXT. REMOTE RURAL COMPOUND - NIGHT

Mulder sneaks around the bad guy's compound. Killer walks around searching for him.

Mulder hides like a little mouse while Killer walks by.

Burger Eater: Dude! You have the hammer-thingie! You chased him through the construction site, didn't you? Go after him! It's just one guy!

Mulder: (cowers)

INT. COMPOUND OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT

Mulder bursts in on the evil operation. He threatens a scrawny old surgeon and a couple female nurses, waving his hammer-thingie and telling them to get back.

He looks down and sees a living human head in a bucket.

Living Head: Gkk!

Mulder: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Scrawny surgeon tranqs him. Mulder slumps to the floor. Killer drags him outside.

Burger Eater: Our hero.

EXT. COMPOUND - NIGHT

Killer drags Mulder to the woodshed.

Killer: Now that I have you here at my mercy, I think I'll start chopping up this *other* dead body I happen to have on hand, and not you, the guy I'm supposed to kill. You know, for tension.

He chops.

Killer: Thought so. Where's my whetstone?

Killer sharpens his axe. Mulder lolls around helpless in the wood chips.

Scully: Hey!

She whacks Killer on the head with something heavy. He falls down and out of the movie.

Burger Eater: See? Scully knows what to do!

INT. OPERATING ROOM AGAIN - NIGHT

Scully and Skinner burst in. Skinner has a gun, and orders the evil surgeons into a cage.

Scully: (to Skinner) Mulder's outside. He needs help!

Fanficcers around the world perk up.

EXT. WOODSHED - NIGHT

Skinner takes off his jacket and wraps it around Mulder.

Mulder: Oh, it's you.

Skinner holds Mulder close to his manly, manly chest.

Fanficcers around the world have their eyes explode out of their heads.

Chris Carter leans into the shot and winks at the camera.

INT. MULDER AND SCULLY'S HOUSE - DAY

It's some time later. Scully is dressed to go to work, but Mulder, unshaved, is kicking around in his T-shirt.

Burger Eater: I guess I see why he didn't want to take on Killer.

Mulder: I'd like to think all those visions prove that God forgave Psychic for molesting all those kids.

Molestation victims in the audience: Did he just say--

Scully: I don't want to have one of our usual wrap up discussions right now. I have experimental surgery on a ten-year-old human guinea pig in two hours, and I've lost all faith in myself, in God and in the universe. I don't know what to do!

Mulder: If you want, we could go on vacation instead.

Scully: Oh. That makes it all better. Guinea pig it is!

FADE OUT
Tags: film, funny, wasting time
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