A large duck (burger_eater) wrote,
A large duck
burger_eater

Beauty and the… Oh fer chrissakes.

Inspired by Genevieve Valentine’s review of BEASTLY, I thought it would be fun to think of some other “Beasts” that Mary-Kate Olsen can lay curses on… until they’re saved by love! Yay, love!

BEAUTY AND THE CARDBOARD LONGBOX:
Beauty: A struggling young actress who once had a minor role in a successful sf/f series.
Beast: The Cat Piss Man who saves her from…
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: Beauty is accused of the murder of a creepy convention organizer and must hide out until she can clear her name.
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: DVD collection of her show placed suspiciously close to bottle of hand lotion.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: Saves Beauty by disarming real killer with home-made light saber. Also: Absorbs villain’s low-penetration handgun fire with his considerable bulk. Also: Showers. Also: Throws out his “good” sweatpants in favor of the Dockers his mom bought him last Christmas.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: Fit, handsome producer of SyFy Originals who is currently looking for a female lead for his new cable TV series.

BEAUTY AND THE RESCISSION
Beauty: Hot widowed mom with a sick child
Beast: Hotshot health insurance adjuster with a rep for turning down claims
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: Um, a hurricane traps them in the hospital?
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: Finds his signature on the form approving the experimental procedure that could have (but didn’t) save her husband’s life.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: He slips her the proper forms she needs to get her child’s medication approved. Also, he secretly pays the $600 hospital bill for the bottle of baby aspirin the child spilled.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: An unmarried Canadian

BEAUTY AND THE CROSSPOST
Beauty: Beautiful but mildly near-sighted hippie
Beast: Usenet libertarian in full blowhard mode.
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: God, this one’s a challenge. Zombie apocalypse leaves them the last living humans on the planet?
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: They find a third living person, a woman 3 years younger than Beauty and with better eyesight, but he doesn’t switch.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: New younger woman turns out to be a Fred Phelps supporter, making Beast literally the nicest person in the world.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: Whatsername from RESIDENT EVIL.

BEAUTY AND THE HOMETOWN CANDIDATE
Beauty: Gorgeous political spokesperson
Beast: “Family Values” politician
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: She needs the work to pay for her mother’s operation. He’s in a tight race and can’t be trusted to speak off script without a gaffe.
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: He breaks up with his boyfriend. Also his wife of 18 years and their four kids.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: Charmingly fumble-mouthed. Changes his votes for gay marriage and increased health care spending. Recommends her for a better job as a lobbyist. Ex-wife and children turn out to be kinda awful.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: An unmarried Canadian

BEAUTY AND THE HARDWORKING WOMAN
Beauty: Rich, handsome, immature man
Beast: A mildly-overweight, plain-faced woman who runs a homeless shelter. Part should be played the the sort of actress who plays the heroine’s annoying cousin or the sexually non-threatening neighborhood mom.
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: Beauty gets community service after a Charlie Sheen-themed party.
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Him: She informs his probation officer that he spends most of his time at the shelter primping his hair instead of working, prompting the judge to add 2,000 additional hours to his sentence. Obviously, she can’t bear to see him go.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: Helping people… It feels kinda good, you know?
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: Didn’t I mention? There’s no enchantment in this one. The woman running the shelter thanks Beauty for his interest but she’s already dating the head of the local tenant’s union and doesn’t he have some mopping to do?

Oh, heh, yeah. That’ll never fly. Might as well go with the Cat Piss one.

(Seriously, has anyone made a version of Beauty and the Beast with the gender roles reversed?)

Mirrored from Twenty Palaces. You can comment here or there.

Tags: film, funny
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